Guide to TVO’s Strip Club Rating System

The Fine Points of Rating Vegas Strip Club Dancers

My rating system for dancers in strip clubs is politically incorrect (as though anything else on this site could be considered politically correct). It has absolutely nothing to do with dancing talent or any acrobatic ability the dancers might possess. It’s based entirely on what they look like with their clothes off. The reason for this system is that most dancers in strip clubs—especially in the topless clubs—rarely have much opportunity to dance. Again, the stages are so small that dancing is simply not an option. (In my reviews, I mention which clubs have bigger and better stages, where you’re more likely to see some dancing talent.)

I also realize that my opinion of physical attractiveness is entirely subjective. Your opinion may differ. I can go online right now and find hundreds of websites dedicated to sexy photos of naked women, ranging from the emaciated to the morbidly obese, from models who appear to be pubescent teenagers to wrinkled old grannies, and all of these sites must appeal to someone out there. Every type of female on the planet is some dude’s fantasy. My tastes tend toward the traditional.

My reviews identify the clubs in which you’ll likely find dancers who are older, or a bit more zaftig, or tipping the scales in the ass department. Do you prefer dancers who are black or Latina? Do you want to go where the locals go? I identify these clubs in the reviews also, so you’ll know where to find the types of dancers you’re seeking.

But my dancer ratings for all clubs are based on how much the women look like professional dancers or athletes or models to me. And when I use “models” as a standard, I don’t mean some scrawny anorexic from Vogue magazine. I’m thinking more of Victoria’s Secret models—healthy-looking women whom most guys would like to see out of the lingerie they’re modeling.

Similarly, when I use athletes as a standard, I don’t mean the Russian women’s weight-lifting squad. I’m thinking more of the type of girl who might be found competing in sports where physical grace and beauty are big factors—Olympic diving, collegiate gymnastics, professional figure skating. Even beach volleyball works for me.

Also, my rating system has nothing to do with breast size. This will disappoint a lot of guys who think it should be a major factor, but personally, I’m not a tit man and I find obvious boob jobs unattractive. A lot of dancers get breast-enhancement surgery, so I don’t downgrade dancers with big tits or boob jobs because of my predilections. My reviews mention which clubs have high silicone factors and which don’t, so you can make your own decisions on where to go, but my ratings are based more on the overall package.

Thanks to the Vegas market, with so many casino shows, strip clubs, and round-the-clock cocktail service, this city attracts huge numbers of attractive young women looking for work. And because working as a stripper pays so well—with many dancers making well into six digits annually—the competition for positions in the top clubs is fierce. For us guys, this is great; we get to see incredibly gorgeous women dancing around with their clothes off.

But it’s also the reason why I’m pretty strict in my ratings. You don’t have to watch less-than-gorgeous dancers in this town if you choose not to.

My rating system consists of five categories: Very fine, fine, average, below average, and desperate. These ratings are pretty descriptive in and of themselves, but for the sake of being perfectly clear, here’s what they mean to me.

Very fine Absolutely gorgeous body. Playboy/Penthouse material. In all likelihood, she makes more money than you do.

Fine Above average. No extraneous body fat. Any guy would want to do her.

Average Girl-next-door type. Maybe not quite a Victoria’s Secret model, but still pretty easy on the eyes when she’s not wearing much. Let’s face it: Even an average girl in her twenties or early thirties looks awfully damn good with her clothes off.

Below Average My below-average rating goes to dancers who are a bit too chunky, or maybe too skinny, with perhaps mild cellulite or breasts that are losing their youthful firmness. The typical below-average dancer would probably look better with more clothes on. You won’t see these dancers very often in the top strip clubs. Most of the top clubs have a few dancers who are heavier than average, but these will always be young dancers with beautiful skin and often cute and talented and bubbling over with charisma. Guys who prefer heavier women should probably stick to clubs where below-average dancers dominate the scene, so be sure to read the text of the reviews to see if the dancers are the right type for you. The single most common reason that I give any club’s dancers a below-average rating is that the dancers are too heavy. If you like women with more meat on their bones, read my reviews to see where you’ll find them.

Desperate My desperate rating is reserved for dancers who are way below average in physical appeal. In clubs that hire desperate dancers, you’ll see obvious cellulite (and lots of it), inordinately drooping breasts and big belly folds or sagging skin all over. Desperate dancers are just not professional dancer/athlete/ model material in my opinion. They seem to be women who have fallen on hard times and are doing what they can to make a buck.

How Erotic is a Strip Club Overall: The SPW Scale

There are many criteria a reviewer might use to rate strip clubs.  How are the drink prices?  How is the club for lap dance privacy, if you want it?  How well do the dancers dance?

All of these are important, but I feel they are only important in the creation of an overall erotic experience.  Therefore, my primary rating of each strip club is its grade on the “SPW Scale.”

The SPW (or Statistical Probability of Wood) Scale ranges from a theoretical high of 100% (impossible to attain in the real world) down to an unlikely (but unfortunately attainable) rating of 0%. To be honest, a club’s SPW rating is based on my subjective opinion of how sexy the dancers are overall, how sexy the stage shows are, how erotic the lap dances are, and how conducive the physical properties of the club are to an erotic experience.

Obviously, the average grade of dancer in a club is a big factor in this. But a club with lots of fine and very fine dancers doesn’t necessarily rate higher than one with more average dancers. A small dark stage generally makes for a poor stage show. A bright open main floor or VIP tends to make for a less erotic lap dance.

An SPW rating of 80% or more means that, in my opinion, if you don’t get turned on in this club most of the time you go there, then face it: You’re gay. You’re reading the wrong guide. Go to the Huntington Press website where you’ll find the more appropriate guide, Gay Vegas. (And if you know you’re not gay, then buy some Viagra, because IMHO, you have some serious circulation problems below the waist.)

An SPW rating below 20% means that, in my opinion, this club is about as arousing as the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. If you always get turned on in a club with a rating this low, you probably shouldn’t be wasting your money in strip clubs. Just go home and watch TV. Technically, any SPW rating above 50% is pretty good. A club with a rating of exactly 50% is probably worth a look if you feel like flipping a coin with your erectile tissues.

Personally, I recommend not visiting a club with an SPW rating below 50%, unless you’re going there specifically for the football party or the drink prices or something like that.

 [All images courtesy Little Darlings]