Sisolak’s Vision for a New Las Vegas
Do you remember Roger & Me, the 1989 Michael Moore documentary about Flint, Michigan during the time GM was reducing its work force there from 80,000 to 5000?
GM was essentially the only employer in town, and in the film we watch desperate city officials try to come up with a plan for replacing all those jobs. They decide that the thing to do is turn Flint into a tourist attraction. They invest scarce city funds in a new Hyatt Regency that’s forced into bankruptcy days after opening, and pin all their hopes on a scheme called AutoWorld, “the world’s largest indoor theme park.” It closes in six months and is torn down a few years later.
As the destitute multitudes start a crime spree that leads to prison overcrowding, the city fathers come up with a new idea. They have to build a new jail, so why not have guests pay $100 to get locked up there overnight? Imagine it: You check in, get strip searched, get locked alone in your cell, and sit there on the edge of your bunk wondering what in the hell you were thinking.
That is essentially Sisolak’s new plan for Las Vegas.
Will 5 Million People a Month Pay to Be Sprayed with Disinfectant?
You know how much fun a Vegas crap table can be on a crowded Saturday night when some high roller is on a roll, the table is packed with people cheering, and a beautiful woman is draped over every man, fondling his chips?
Forget all that. In Sisolak’s new reopening plan, four dour apparatchiks in gray Mao jackets, standing six feet apart, will dutifully lose their money to fund Sisolak’s education programs.
You know how much you love it at Denny’s when you’re trying to eat breakfast and some waitress turns on the vacuum cleaner and starts slamming it into your foot?
Well, here come Sisolak’s babushkas, an army of 50- and 60-year-old Bulgarians in face masks, spraying disinfectant in your face as you steadily lose money in the new Vegas slots with a house edge of 30%.
But Wait! There’s More!
No more than three players per blackjack table, four players per roulette table, and four players per poker table. Employees must be assigned to drive away guests who attempt to congregate around tables in greater numbers.
Any customer who coughs must be removed from the property and reported to local health authorities. All areas that person visited must be immediately recleaned and disinfected. If the guest ends up actually testing positive for Covid-19, the guest’s room must be removed from service and undergo an “enhanced cleaning protocol as determined by local health authorities.”
All employees, including dealers, must wash their hands for 20 seconds not only before their shifts and on breaks but “several times during their shift, including, without limitation, when they change gloves or otherwise contaminate their hands.” In other words, every time a dealer handles gaming chips or scoops up a round of cards, he’ll be required to change his gloves and wash his hands.
You know how high the house edge and table minimums would have to be for casinos to deal a blackjack game with a limit of three players per table and less than one round per minute? Say goodbye to $10 blackjack games.
I don’t know a compulsive gambler degenerate enough to play this blackjack game.
Not Enough Masochists in the Universe
Escalator rails and elevator buttons and restaurant menus must be cleaned and disinfected between every patron who touches them.
All nightclubs and day clubs must remain closed.
Signs must be posted throughout the casino property reminding guests to exercise proper hygiene.
Casino execs that don’t comply can be prosecuted for violations of the Gaming Control Act.
There aren’t enough masochists in the universe to sustain Vegas under this plan and every casino in town knew it as soon as this plan was released. There must have been hysterical laughter in the casino boardrooms. No wonder Stations Casinos threw in the towel yesterday and laid everybody off.
I said it before. This is what we get for having a fake state, with a party hack fake governor with the lifetime achievement of the average loaf of Wonder Bread.
I can’t wait to see Sisolak’s reopening plan for the brothels.